Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
