My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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