Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
