I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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