I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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