I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
