I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
