flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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