the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
