He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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