My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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