If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
