the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
