This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
