Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
