Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
