I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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