Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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