It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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