okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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