the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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