dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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