FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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