the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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