im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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