how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Your penis caused this!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
