You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
