You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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