Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
