hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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