The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
