I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
