so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
