i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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