you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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