Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
