ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
