Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
