I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
