Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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