I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
