1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
