just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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