I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
