He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
