So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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