Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
