there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
