I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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