we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
