Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
