wanna go halves on a baby?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
