When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
