The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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