He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
