Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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