I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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