a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
